This is an honest attempt to blast all stupid Snobfics out of the water. If I repeat it loud and long enough, they might all go away. Hell, I can dream, can’t I?

What do I mean by Snobfics? Essentially any HP universe centred fic that contains any character having or pertaining to have a title, either in Britain, or Western Europe. It just won’t do. As a lifelong socialist, I find this insistence (and I’m sorry it tends to come from over that side of the Atlantic most, believe me, Lords are just not that hot) that there even are titles in the Wizarding World tired and tiresome. Here follows a Brit's rant on the title structure as it really is, as well as a good deal of sarcasm as to the more irritating cliches in fanfic...

The reason it is tiresome, is that, like all good socialists, I’m as big a snob as the best of them, but the difference is, I know my stuff. Sadly, most Snobfic writers do not. I’ll touch on the worst offences later, but for now, let’s set the ground rules and talk facts on the British Aristocracy. A field guide, if you like. That’s the most relevant, because it’s the area that is usually written so hilariously wrong, in Harry Potter fic. Only it is not that simple, because we have two aristocracies here in Britain (three if you count Northern Ireland – but Northern Ireland has tended to follow the English model). The two are England and Scotland. There are a number of things in common, seeing as much of the titles and honorifics devolve from Norman practice, following the Norman Conquest in 1066, and then the accession of the Angevin Kings, beginning with Henry II in 1154.

First of all, comes the sovereign, and their children who are Princes and Princesses. They may have titles like, Duke of this, Duchess of that. Prince Charles is Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, Earl of Chester, and Lord of the Isles. He has more titles than that, but those are the main ones. His titles are part of the package that comes with being Heir to the English Throne.

Below royalty the ranks in descending order of hereditary titles are as follows:

Duke. Originally this senior title was exclusively royal until the later Middle Ages, when the title was passed to very honoured Royal servants (who were frequently royal connections). Most non-royal Ducal titles are actually somewhat late in creation, and post-date the end of the Wars of the Roses in 1485. This is a great watershed of aristocratic snobbery – generally if your family can trace descent to before the Battle of Bosworth, you are very smart indeed. There is only one non-royal Duke who can actually do this, and that is the Duke of Norfolk, who is Hereditary Earl Marshal of England (a post that determines questions of precedence at, say, coronations) and the Premier Peer of England. Other Dukedoms were created since 1485. Only others that predate 1485 are: Lancaster (absorbed into the crown holdings in 1399), York – extinct in the Wars of the Roses, though later used normally for the second son of the Reigning Monarch, Suffolk (extinct after Bosworth, and gifted to a royal connection by Edward IV). Dukes got more common as the Tudors tended to reward their followers, and under the Stuarts got positively vulgar, as every “for-show” husband to some royal Mistress became the Duke of Whatever.

Dukes are invariably Duke of Wherever, not Duke Wherever.

Children of Dukes usually have courtesy titles. These are usually Lord or Lady, except in the case of the heir, usually eldest son (title succession in England and Scotland tends to be by strict male primogeniture). It is possible to tell such courtesy titles by the fact that the holder is addressed not as Lord Rothesay, but as Lord Nicholas Rothesay. The eldest son normally carries his father’s second best title, maybe Marquess or Earl.

There are very few Scottish dukes, and those titles are usually quite recent creations.

The wife of a Duke is a Duchess.

Marquess. This is the next title down; children of Marquesses tend to be Lord or Lady, except the heir who will have his father’s second best title, generally Earl or Viscount. The same rules apply to the Marquess’s sons and daughters that they will be Lady Penelope Cadogan, or the like.

Marquesses too, are usually Marquess of Wherever, not Marquess Wherever.

The wife of a Marquess is a Marchioness. The title may also be spelled Marquis, but Marquess is more correct.

Earl. This is generally an older title than Duke or Marquess. A good many Dukedoms started life as Earldoms (e.g. the Duke of Northumberland, was Earl of Northumberland in the Middle Ages). His son would be Lord Anthony Percy, except the eldest son who might be Viscount Althorp, in the case of the son of Earl Spencer.

Earls can be either the Earl of Snowdon, or Earl Spencer. There are pitfalls here for the unwary. There is no rule to this, one just knows what is correct. Or doesn’t, and makes a fool of oneself.

The Earl’s wife is a Countess. We do not have Counts in the UK. Count is invariably a continental title.

Viscount. Generally this is a courtesy title held by an eldest son of a higher-ranking nobleman. His wife is a Viscountess. Their children are NOT Lords but bear the Prefix Honourable before their name, as in the Honourable Jane Spencer.

Baron. The lowest rank in the Peerage (and therefore entitled to sit in the House of Lords) is the Baron. All higher ranked peers above are also entitled to sit in the House of Lords. He is called Lord Smith, not Baron Smith. His wife is Lady Smith. Women who hold this title in their own right, are generally referred to as Baroness Powell.

There are also Barons who have been given what is called a Life Peerage, generally for services to the crown. The holder’s children cannot inherit this title. Women who are awarded life peerages, are generally called Baroness Thing.

Baronet. This title is not that of a peer. The owner is generally termed thus: Sir Richard Thomas, Bt. His wife is Lady Thomas. Their children have no titles.

Below this, just to cause even more confusion are the families of old and aristocratic lineage who have NO titles. However, they would regard their families as being of equally stellar lineage to any peer. Examples of this would be the Sackville family of Kent, who own a castle and have been in county records since the Middle Ages. They might look down on a good many titles as lately and vulgar. They would properly be termed “Landed Gentry”.

In Scotland, in addition to the titles listed, there are also Highland aristocrats, generally heads of the old Scottish Clans. They are generally termed Laird or sometimes The Something of the Something, e.g., The Montcreif of that Ilk. Which means the clan head of the Montcreifs.

Now to move onto the whole fic thing. Aristocracy and status first.

Confused? That’s why it is good advice to the fic writer to tread carefully. There are probably a good many fanfic writers and readers who are now thinking, “Picky bitch”. Maybe. But as a Brit it is sometimes deeply painful seeing the canon rape that goes on around my own country. Generally I’ll overlook certain errors, but the point will come when the back button is just too attractive. That’s why I assert – if you haven’t a clue, or cannot get someone who has, to look stuff over, leave it alone. There’s plenty stuff any writer will know, if they think on a bit, the canon books provide a good deal of background, the Lexicon is a resource many other fandoms might envy. Generally, I’d say, if it ain’t in canon, leave it alone. Which means titles.

There are no titles referenced in canon, and that’s good enough for me. With one exception, there is a Lord in Harry Potter canon, and that is of course, Lord Voldemort. His title is actually bogus and self-styled. Well it would be, wouldn’t it? Tiresome little grubby parvenu.

If anyone else were going to have a title in canon, it would surely be Lucius Malfoy. Think of it. A Norman sounding name, which is usually the provenance of the oldest British aristocracy. He’s rich as Croesus, and exudes aristocratic hauteur. He’s an appalling snob, and generally true aristocrats are too entirely secure in their status to be snobbish or overbearing. However, he has not got a title, he is clearly plain Mr Malfoy. If he had a title, you can bet he’d use it. And his son, Draco would never fail to mention it any chance he got.

The chief fanon other candidate for the old title thing, is none other than Professor Snape. I generally hit the back button the minute anyone ascribes a title to Snape, because it reeks of wish fulfilment by the bad author. This man who insists on being called Professor is apparently so egalitarian he does not mind it when people omit his noble title. I’ve seen him Duke, Lord, Earl, Viscount. And usually filthy rich, to boot. Perleeze.

Final verdict being, leave the titles alone. Do not call your Mary Sue “Lady Elinor Sparkly-Poo” or I will come and mock you. I will also bring my friends to mock you, too. If J K Rowling has not indicated that a canon character is a member of the British Aristocracy by the end of Book 5, you can be sure that her reasons are simply that the character does not have a title. There is no sudden revelation scheduled around the existence of the Earl of Snape. Forget it. Accordingly, I will not forgive you for deciding any canon character must have one. And I do not care if it is fanfiction. It is Harry Potter fanfiction, and I'll therefore thank you to keep it recognisable as such.

Which brings me to part two of my rant.

Snape Effing Manor…

Snape Manor surely deserves a place in the Pantheon of Cliché in fanfic. Let me first of all state clearly, Manor Houses are incredibly rare in the UK. A Manor House was generally a hold over from Mediaeval Times being the abode of the Feudal overlord. The only actual manor houses left are houses that either were begun in building terms back then, or stand on the site of an original mediaeval manor. There are hardly any. Yet the innocent reader of fanfic would be forgiven for assuming that every British person lives in one, or near to one.

We do not all have Manor Houses!

Once again, there is only one known canon character living in a Manor House, and that is our slippery Lucius. We know this because Mr Borgin says so in Chamber of Secrets. The indication at all times is that the Malfoy’s wealth and status is exceptional. The majority of the canon characters seem to be of Middle class or lower backgrounds. Generally, the overall impression is of suburban, Home Counties backgrounds.

On to Snape. His class origins are interesting, so say the least. There are a good many questions and they may well prove important in canon. Is he Pureblood? Generally his being Head of Slytherin would indicate so, though it is important to remember that Tom Riddle was not Pureblooded. I incline to the idea that Snape is Pureblooded. For reasons, which I’ll explain.

I’ve read a number of posited back stories for Snape, here’s my digest version. Order of the Phoenix gives just a hint of not, old money but rather, new poverty. Or possibly old money that has become new poverty. That fly blown bedroom is not screamingly indicative of material comfort. Nor for that matter, are greying scanties. Greying scanties indicates a shortage of scanties, not poor personal hygiene. Generally, white clothes grey with overwear and overwashing. There’s a rather sad shabbiness about Snape-the-teenager.

However, there’s a touch of class about Snape to me, humiliating scenes notwithstanding. It’s been suggested elsewhere that a true aristocrat would not swear the way Snape has been known to do, nor would one spit in public. That may well obtain among Boston Brahmins; however, I can promise that the true British aristocrat is entirely without qualm when it comes to bad behaviour. He sets his own standards of behaviour, and be damned to anyone else. Concern with what others think is the mark of the bourgeoisie.

His innate class is shown in one of his finest moments – his bravura handling of Dolores Umbridge in Order of the Phoenix. When she, and all the Gryffindor students are shrieking about Veritaserum, the kidnapping of Sirius Black, etc. he is as cool and unhurried as you like. He pauses to make a masterful remark to Crabbe or Goyle, about slackening their grip on Longbottom (and think about it, he may save Neville from death or injury here) and then makes a “courtly bow” to Umbridge. To me he is upper class to the tips of his long fingers here. He exudes class.

I think the Snape’s lost their money, either suddenly, or over time. I think they are Pureblood former Wizarding aristocracy, who naturally resent their lack of present day lustre. Sitting ducks for the Voldemort line. One quick whisper of “We are the dispossessed princes of the Wizarding World” and I suspect teenage Snape was asking where he could get one of those cool tattoos like his friend Lucius.

So at some point, this Pureblooded family became déclassé, Snape Manor was either sold, or if it is still in the family, it is riddled with dry rot and heavily encumbered with death duties.

The other piece of evidence that effectively blows Snape Manor sky high, is the fact that if Snape is a titled and monied aristocrat, what the hell is he doing spending fourteen years in a job he neither needs nor likes? Please do not try to convince me that he is a magical Mr Chips hiding behind a façade of ill temper. The guy hates kids. He is also spending his Christmases at Hogwarts. I somehow think if there were a luxuriously appointed Manor House, he would be spending Yuletide there, not being insulted by Vulture Hats falling out of crackers.

So to wrap up - why? Why the Snobbery in fanfiction? Wish fulfilment I suppose. It’s not just badfic that oozes Snape Manors and bogus titles, I can think of a number of highly rated fics, which are redolent of snobbery.

Perhaps the writer, who fancies Snape, can only excuse fancying him, and self-insertion if she thinks it will involve endogamy – marriage for an increase in wealth and status.

Social climbing by means of badfic, then. Living life vicariously is never a good idea.